In Dr. Allen Hunt’s book “The 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage” he puts forth this claim: “The most important word in marriage is forgiveness. And along with forgiveness comes its spouse grace.” (p 199) While it is the many sides of love that draws us together, unites us, makes us fruitful, ultimately it is the gift of forgiveness which holds love together in any relationship but most especially the spousal relationship. I can imagine in most marital relationships in the very beginning the idea of being able to spend extended time with the wife or husband would have been something all couples would enjoy an feel blessed but as time wears on, being cooped up may take on a less alluring feeling.

For many married couples, families and even roommates this forced coming together may not be the long dreamed of second honeymoon as the nerves are frayed with children, conflict and worries that continue to pile up in a seemingly unending stream. And this is hard and there is no magic bullet to move from this time of suffering whether small or tragic…it is just a time where enduring seems like the only solution…but is this true?
Our Catholic faith tells us there is something more. In this Easter Season we experience this more in the realization of the gift and blessing of life offered from the cross for our salvation and hope. Pope Francis is speaking about the normal crises in life may have been prophetic in seeing into the “shelter-in-place” we are now experiencing when he writes, “Then there are those personal crises that affect the life of couples, often involving finances, problems in the workplace, emotional, social and spiritual difficulties. Unexpected situations present themselves, disrupting family life and requiring a process of forgiveness and reconciliation. In resolving sincerely to forgive the other, each has to ask quietly and humbly if he or she has not somehow created the conditions that led to the other’s mistakes.” (#236 Amoris Laetitia)
This great “unexpected situation” which are certainly “disrupting the family life” are the cause of much anxiety, fear and loss of hope. It is when we are able to choose to enter into mercy where these situations become filled with hope and holiness rather than sin and fear. Our Holy Father recognizes we all are part of the community and must take responsibility for both forgiveness and healing, in both the seeking and sharing in the mercy of our Heavenly Father’s generous forgiveness and compassion seen on the Good Friday Cross.
St. John Paul II saw this same reality in his experience of family and the desire for unity and oneness within the spousal relationship and family when he taught, “Family communion can only be preserved and perfected through a great spirit of sacrifice. It requires, in fact, a ready and generous openness of each and all to understanding, to forbearance, to pardon, to reconciliation…there arise the many and varied forms of division in family life. But, at the same time, every family is called by the God of peace to have the joyous and renewing experience of “reconciliation,” that is, communion reestablished, unity restored…towards the fullness of communion willed by God, responding in this way to the ardent desire of the Lord: “that they may be one.”” (#21 Familiaris Consortio)
In my ministry within the Worldwide Marriage Encounter movement (WWME) I see and experience the “communion reestablished, unity restored” in the intentional listening and sharing of feelings in the totality of familial and nuptial love. It is when we choose to open our hearts to the other we begin to hear the voice of God.
Forgiveness, reconciliation and mercy are hard works and yet when we place our lives in God’s hands they become possible. Once more, Pope Francis teaches us how when we choose the path of peace and reconciliation the road forward, while bumpy and filled with potholes, become are road of mercy where the unity of marriage and family strengthens us, “When crisis come, they are unafraid to get to the root of it, to renegotiate basic terms, to achieve a new equilibrium and to move forward together. With this kind of constant openness they are able to face any number of difficult situations.” (#238 Amoris Laetitia)
The most important word is the “they” of loving unity. The openness of hearing the voice of love in the family, in the relationship, in the blessing of family. The struggle will always be the temptation of isolation and separation in times of hurt and pain. I remember watching a mother gather her angry child into her arms. The little girls struggled to get away, cried and shouted to be let free and yet the mother held on in an act of love, reconciliation and mercy. This is our call, our necessary action: to hold onto each other in love. It is an act of God’s grace, “Why is forgiveness so important? Because your purpose is to help each other get to heaven. You are helping your mate grow in love, joy and peace. You want your spouse to abound in patience, kindness and generosity.” (p 200 Allen Hunt)
This is the gift of forgiveness.
God Bless
Fr. Mark.