We will be held accountable to the Lord for all the things we have done. Man is often not aware, but the Creator is an honest witness, remaining faithful in heaven and observing all that happens. The stains of sin remain in the body. Just as a bodily wound leaves a scar even after it is healed, so do sins wound the soul and body, and the scarred signs remain in everyone.(St. Cyril of Jerusalem)

Last week on retreat I imagined writing something totally different. Listening to God’s word, taking time in prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament daily and writing and reflecting on what the Holy Spirit was whispering in my heart. This time was fruitful and a blessing beyond measure. And then Friday came.
It began with a word from our Spiritual Director that Masses throughout the Diocese of San Jose were to be held in private, without congregations, and this would begin Saturday morning. It was followed by a text from Fr. Steve telling me a little bit more but the message was all the same. As I said at last Sunday’s private Mass, my heart broke. I went to Jesus and began to question all that was going on and how much sorrow and suffering there would be within the Body of Christ. And so we are here, one week later and a lot has changed.
Yes, we are still holding the sacrifice of the Holy Mass in private. Yes, our office is empty of people, our parish is empty of people and our school is empty of the joyous voices of it’s students and the children who come for catechism each day. Each time I walk around the campus; my heart breaks.
The gift of my retreat was time listening for the gifts of the Holy Spirit. As good Catholics you know there are seven gifts. We receive the fullness of these gifts in the Sacrament of Confirmation, but the need for specific gifts comes and goes as our life moves along the road of salvation. We also know that from these gifts certain fruits flowed. This past year I have been having long conversations with the Holy Spirit, praying a year long “novena” asking for the blessings of the fruits. The gift given was “Fear of the Lord” which is being in awe of the presence of God in my life. It is not a scary fear, but one that places you in wonder of the greatness of Love. Then I prayed for the fruits of the gift and it became clear immediately “joy” was the first fruit followed by the second “gentleness.” As I ended my retreat on this heartbreaking news about Mass it took every grain of strength in my soul not to laugh at the absurdity of this gift and the fruits flowing from it.
But this is where God is better at giving gifts I need and not the ones I think I should have. Why? Well, I had to step back and realize once more how God is in charge. I mean, this certainly wasn’t in my planning to have a shut down of the Bay Area, California and many other parts of the United States (as well as much of the world) for this period of time. It clearly wasn’t how I envisioned serving God’s people. And yet, here we are one week into what is turning out to be a long road and what I truly need is “joy” and “gentleness” in moving to discover how God is calling me to be a priest during this time of trouble and suffer.
Joy has given me the purpose to not be anxious, afraid or discouraged. It is hard, the stories of people loosing work, health and families being pulled apart is heartbreaking. In this the joy of the Gospel must be my rock. It doesn’t deny suffering, it allows me to be present during suffering with a heart open to listening.
Gentleness (or mildness) also is a gift necessary during this time. It is where I must learn to listen and share with a firmer conviction of how Jesus wants me to be his image to others. To leave behind the cutting words of anger, fear and frustration and see a future of greater blessings.
Take some time and ask the Holy Spirit what gift you most need to seek and practice during this time and which of the 12 fruits spring from this gift. Take time in quiet and silence listening for the gifts and suits to be given.
Anyways…that is that.

God Bless
Fr. Mark