Over the past two weeks the reality of “vows” and the fidelity to vows has been at the center of my heart. Several weeks ago a story was floating around the Catholic internet of an article in the New York Times which romanticized the killing of a terminally ill wife by her husband and then his suicide. As a priest, the reality of this situation of a spouses illness and the struggle of care and dignity of care is something I confront regularly and heartbreakingly. But what is more gratifying is the experience of walking with, praying with and blessing the spouses and families who choose to care for the other with a peace and dignity that see the hopefulness of life even in the midst of suffering which often seems to be too long and the questions that come from this suffering.
I hope to share with you a second time on this subject with some personal stories of blessing and how these moments have impacted my priesthood and my understanding of the vows I am called to live. As a priest who serves in the Worldwide Marriage Encounter movement I see the vows of married couples playing out each day in both blessings and struggles and how these vows of Holy Matrimony enrich my vows of Holy Orders in serving God’s people. About five years ago I read the book “Project Holiness: Marriage as a Workshop for Everyday Saints” by Bridget Burke Ravizza and Julie Donovan Massey. (I highly recommend it to everyone, married or single or ordained) And much as with my work in Marriage Encounter, as I read the many stories that are shared in the book, I began to notice how often their experience of sacramental sacrifice and love mirrored my own sacramental experiences, which gets me, after a long introduction, to my kick-off point.
I know I have written several times on why I chose the particular verse from Sacred Scripture on the back of my ordination holy card from Psalm 56:12 “I am bound by the vows I have made, God, I will pay you the debt of thanks for you have saved my life from death.” The authors share this quote from Cardinal Walter Kasper where he writes in the proclaiming of the vow were we, “give the other person a claim over me, that I will perform the action to which I have committed myself…as a pledge…It claims my faithfulness, my constancy, not just because I have spoken it to myself, but because it now calls to me from the other person who has received it.” (p102) Being called by another to love and be loved is such a powerful blessing. In sacramental unity we are called by another, God, our spouse, our Church, to be faithful and constant in our care and love of the other. It is moving from the feeling of being in love to the actions of love that occur and are done even when suffering is present and becomes an act of sacrificial grace given and shared with us daily. When we commit our life to a vow, we must practice the vow whether it is my vow to pray, obey and live a chaste celibate life or the husband and wife with their vow to love, honor, care for and to be with the other in all parts of life. To practice the acts of love daily in blessing the other where we calling out from our spouse the very best in who we can be in life. This is the practice of faithfulness, the choice of constancy and not the intermittent flashes of passion which the world often mistakes for the vow of love.
This is the practice of sacramental love, the vowed love of life that moves, grows and flourishes in the changes of life. As Ravizza and Donovan point out, “We oblige ourselves to love and honor our beloved now and into the future, understanding that he our she will inevitable change, that our relationship will change, and that faithfulness must be lived in ever-changing circumstances. Once vows and rings are exchanged, spouses are bound to one another and have a claim over each other; future choices are henceforth choices of either fidelity or betrayal.” (p 102) The prayer of Psalm 56 proclaims this truth of being bound…not bound as in captivity but bound in a unity of choosing the better. This is symbolically done at many Marriage Masses with the Lasso that is placed over the shoulders of the newly married couple after their vows are prayed but it is also in the living symbol of the rings that adorn each hand as a crown does the newly blessed monarch. It is where the choice of fidelity is becoming the holy, the blessed, the beloved in the changing growth of sacramental love. If our primary vocation is a call to holiness, unity with God, then the vocation we lead should lead us closer to holiness and one of the prayers we should speak with God about each day is this very simple phrase, “Have I helped my spouse grow closer to you (God) today?” If the answer is not in the affirmative (something other than yes) then making the promise to do better is the movement of changing love towards the other.
The authors say it better than I, “Theologian Margaret Farley explains that when we make a commitment to love and be faithful in our marriage vows we are effectively committing ourselves to “do the deeds of love” in the future. One promises to be willing to do what is best for the other in the future: care for the other, meet the needs of the other, serve the other—in essence do “all that one can” to affirm and support the other’s life and well-being.” (p 118)
Pray for happy and holy marriages and happy and holy priests…they go hand in hand.
God bless
Fr. Mark